Enthusiastic Consent

Consent as a broader topic seems pretty well-worn at this point, especially for those within the kink/BDSM and polyamorous communities. However, consent affects everyone, and it’s an important part of any event where you may be in close contact with people. Really, even in our everyday lives, we all could do well to take a consent-minded approach with everybody, no matter the situation. Consent is a start to living in a kinder, more empathetic way in relation to our fellow humans, and it has the potential to greatly shape our lives and the lives of those around us for the better.

So what is consent? As defined by the Oxford Dictionary, consent is “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.” Now, of course, this definition seems a little too broad for our purposes, and while it covers the basic premise, there’s more to be uncovered. Consent is not just a black-and-white, a yes-or-no. Although “No,” is a complete sentence, for the record. If you ask someone for permission to do anything to their person and their answer is plain “no,” no matter the circumstances, the action stops there. On the other hand, say for example someone asks another, “may I stroke your hair?” And the other responds, “no, I don’t like people touching my hair. But you could scratch my back instead if you’d like!” The conversation can move from there to further notes about how each person likes to be touched, how they don’t like to be touched, and how both parties can get the most out of their interaction with the other.

This brings me to the point of what is called “enthusiastic consent.” The University of Sydney states, “More than just being granted permission to engage in romantic and sexual activity, enthusiastic consent, as the name suggests, seeks others’ enthusiastic agreement to be intimate.” Sometimes a “yes,” doesn’t always mean yes. Consider you’re at a party with some people you don’t know that well. A mutual acquaintance asks you for a hug and you don’t want to be rude, so you accept, but in a less enthusiastic manner than if you had truly wanted that hug. Was that really consent? Enthusiastic consent would say probably not. Enthusiastic consent requires empathy and emotional intelligence on both parties, both the initiator of activity and the acceptor. If you ask someone for a form of physical contact and they seem unsure or uncomfortable, even if they say yes, it’s worth it to have the conversation about whether or not they really want to engage, and also be able to gracefully accept if they do not. If you are the one who is seeking to accept the initiation for contact, you yourself have to be sure in your answer and be okay with telling someone no, even if you may worry about being “rude” or unsociable. Both parties have the right to their own physical autonomy and comfort; enthusiastic consent often facilitates conversations that lead to a better understanding of each person’s boundaries and desires.

Now here comes one of the harder parts of consent: dealing with rejection. Approaching someone for physical contact can be an intimidating proposition, no matter how many times you’ve done so before, or even the relationship you have with the person you’re asking. But being able to gracefully accept the wishes of someone who does not consent to an encounter is a very important part of making sure everyone feels comfortable within the space. The first and foremost thing to remember when accepting rejection is: it’s most likely not about you. Whoever you’re approaching may have had a long day, may have trauma related to certain types of intimacy, or a million different reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you as a person. Being rejected doesn’t say anything about your worth or desirability as a person, it’s just not the time for what’s been asked. However, part of gracefully accepting rejection is also understanding “no” the first time, and not continuing to press on until the other party gives in. A good way to end the conversation after someone has turned you down could be, “okay, no worries, I’ll see you around and I hope you have a great night!” There will always be other chances with other people, and showing that you can be trusted to respect others’ wishes is a great way of ensuring you have as many chances as possible.

Being mindful of consent can be daunting. As a society, we are often forced to do things we don’t want to do for our own survival, or just to keep the peace. Whether it’s through our jobs, our families, our intimate relationships, even just our friendships, it’s common to forgo our own sense of self and autonomy for the sake of others. I like to think we as a society are getting better about standing up for ourselves, about having these tough conversations, but of course there’s always work to be done. But learning your own boundaries while being mindful of others’ is a truly gratifying experience. Getting to know the people around you in an honest and open way reminds you of your own humanity, and creates a community that can be long-lasting and fulfilling for all involved. This community can also protect you should your boundaries be crossed and you feel you don’t know where to turn. Within my own community, I always feel safe asking for help, and I hope that you are able to experience that feeling of safety as well.

So the next time you’re at a kink event, or at a company party for your job, or even just a family barbecue, always ask before you go in for the hug. It may feel a little strange at first, but practice makes perfect. And hopefully your own practice of asking for consent in all settings will inspire others to do the same. The safety and comfort of others is, in my opinion, one of the noblest causes you can take on, and it only takes one person to spark change.

 

Here’s some extra resources for you if you’d like to read more voices on the practice of asking for and giving enthusiastic consent:

https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html

Consent in relation to asexuality: https://autismserenity.tumblr.com/post/633957077213118464/queeranarchism-keplercryptids-keplercryptids

Enthusiastic consent

https://www.rainn.org/articles/consentrules